Does he miss me?

I've been in school for about 2 weeks now and I seem to be obsessed with the thought of unhappiness. Even though i have a knot in my stomach and the knowing of that he did wrong, I can't stop to think about him.

I want him to look at me, but he ignores me. So I guess everything would've been easier if we could be friend, but when I meet him in the hallway his face is blank and I'm not visible.

So does he miss me?...probably not.

School of love

School has started which I love! Although my class has a schedule that make you angry! My mentors were talking about how we need to spend our last year with friends...then I find out that we don't have any breaks with the other classes.

Also my friend and his girlfriend Have it pretty rocky in their relationship. While they are on the way to break up I'm trying to make this guy who were mean to me this summer miserable. I'm trying to be as beautiful I can and will only like his photos on instagram if they're good, ONLY. I want him to see what he missed out.

I don't want to be alone...or do I?

When I walk around in the town where I have my summer place I feel so alone. I'm with my mum and a gang with boys and girls walk by me. I miss that! I've felt that feeling twice in my life, I'm not somebody's priority who they want to hang out with.

I want a girl friend who I can call and text with just silly stuff and that will come home to me if I needed her. I want a boyfriend who I can watch movies with and touch his skin and feel that he's mine. Yeah I'm lonely when it comes to summer, I know that it must be my fault, but I've always been me!

Although I like to be single. When I go out most boys are looking at me and I get the feeling I can get one of them. It's a fun feeling, but I'm mostly just scared for getting a boy. I feel I need to mature a lot, but I guess you're never ready for a boy.

Easy to Get Insecure

I'm easy to affect. I get so insecure too fast. I hate it, it's not good for me, that I feel bad because of it. I'm so scared of getting rejected by someone that I need to check my inbox all the time and see if the person is online. Internet has done nothing good to me and it just makes me sick. Hope I will feel better tomorrow and that I won't feel like this.

I'm the kind of person that would do anything for a friend. I always put their needs before mine.

(picture is Pon and Zi made by Jeff Thomas)

:)

I'm In the middle of the night...

Thinking about how I would like to hold someone near me when looking over the surface of the water. How I would love to have someone kissing my lips and saying that I'm the most beautiful person they've ever seen. Wanting me for who I am and like when I say random things and likes that I can act a little crazy sometimes out of excitement.

Gosh!! I really need to stop watching girly movies and happy ending stories. But what would life be without fantasies?

In Love With a Celebrity?

I'm a teenager and a girl. I've listen to two or three Justin Bieber songs and I love one direction's album "up all night". I actually think the guys in 1D and Justin Bieber are good looking. I would love to go to an one direction concert.

The thing is that I'm not obsessed about these singers. I don't even know the name of everyone in 1D. I don't understand how two girls can fight over stuff like: "you spelled his name wrong". That's insane! How some change their life to forever be a believer or a dedicated one direction supporter.

How can you say you love a celebrity and that you want to marry him/her when you don't even know them?

Dream of independence

I had a dream last night about my life in school and love. I can now say that I deserve someone good and also I'm no longer jealous of other girls. I won't judge them before I really know them. Gosh I feel like a terrible person after this dream, it was really a wake up call.

Even if I say I want someone, my first priority is going to be school and then can things happen to me if they want. I wont try anymore.

Rainy day! Tips.

Unfortunately it's raining outside today. Not so much you can do about it and you cant live out your Swedish summer to a hundred percent. So I'm going to give some random tips what yo could do.

1. Write a list about all the stuff you want to buy for next term.
2. Sleep through the day.
3. Read a book
4. Find someone to cuddle with all day. (for me...my cats)
5.play board games with your friends or family.
6. Write down what you will name your children when you grow up.
7. Look on your favourite movie again or old Disney movies.
8. Bake something. (try LCHF, both good for you and really tasty)
9. Have a makeup day at home and take beautiful pictures with a friend or a family member.
10. Plan your future.
11. Write a book.
12. Play the sims 3 (lol)
13. Looking funny movies on YouTube. (Dave Days is my favourite!)
14. Write a song
15. Play a sport!
16. Draw in a children paintingbook.
17. Eat
18.listen to music!
19. Blog!
20. Try outfits (discover clothes you never thought you would wear again)
My parents don't have any money, so my suggestions is for what you can do without money. :P

Pictures

Haha.

Mixed feelings.

Does he really deserve my love?

He keeps changing his mind about our relationship. One second he can say to me that he just wants to be friends and the next one he says he can't be my friend when he likes me so much.

He's so insecure and I don't even know how many times he has changed his mind about this.

Does he really deserve my love?

Love Comes back to beat you up again

How can he make me feel so bad.

Just one hour later he tells me he regret that he left me and gave me a love explanation again. I was really tired and asked to talk to him tomorrow.

He said, never mind then and goodbye. I'm so sad now, I just wish he could talk to me again, cause I already miss him.

Then later I upload a photo on a site and only 15 min later he uploads a really hot picture on himself and writes. Love my life I'm so happy.

Half my ice cream left...

Love is just something that's going to leave you...

So I'm going to tell you guys what've just happened.

A few days ago this guy texted me and said he liked me. I got so happy because I've liked him for a while.

To days later we decide to meet next week to see where it can lead.

Now I'm sitting on the floor crying and wondering what've just happened. I guess he was cruel to use my heart and then stomp on it.

So now I'm going to get tough, going to eat some ice cream and have fun!

Turning a boy down

A guy started to kik me (send me messages). He seems nice, but I can already say that he's nothing for me.

First of all I can't be interested in a guy that I've never met.

I don't buy the crap of giving me compliments the first time you talk to me. You don't know me yet.

I think it's silly to say. " I'm okay if you are" the second question you've answered.

Then he feels rejected when I didn't understand I was supposed to ask him back if I he was single.

Then he says he feels rejected again when I told him the truth,that I was going to do a thing with my family until past midnight. He should trust me and I don't need to say to him over and over again that I'm not rejecting him.

I don't like to get really silly compliments and sentences like:
"I bet you have lots of guys"
"how can you be single"
"I'm okay if you're okay"
And the worst thing to say is when you say all sentences to me during our first chat.

I'm stupid that didn't turn him down immediately after our chat. I feel terrible now, because he lives in the same city as me, but at least I will not meet him during the summer and before school starts again I will turn him down. :S

Friends who don't reply to you

Something that really upsets me is when you've decided with your friend that she is going to come to your vacation home and she tells you that she's just going to ask her parents tonight and then come back to you. Then a few days goes and she doesn't reply to you and everything lays on you.

You feel that it is always you that takes care about calling and texting so you and your friends can meet.

I always asks my parents as soon as I can and I always remember to tell my friends the information. I really can't understand why all my friends wait for me to tell them to do something about it.

I'm so tired of nearly never getting a reply and always feel like the one my friends are to busy to care about to meet during the summer. I really hope that one day I will get some friends that can reply to me happily.

My Boy Friend.

My friend who is a boy. He is really awesome and wonderful. I really enjoy to talk with him, but he's in love with me. His friend has even confirmed it. It's sad, because he writes clues to me and he's really bad on keeping it a secret. I've changed class and next year we're going to be in the same class. I'm not in love with him unfortunately.

Over him...not

Just when I thought I really was over him I log in on instagram and sees a really cute picture of him and his brother. My heart melts and I feel alone again. My summer is for me to forget all about love and start over again. Every time I log in to instagram or facebook I'm scared of seeing a picture of him and his girlfriend. Its sad that he can't see me as more than a friend and just sayin...Facebook/instagram is the worst when it comes to unhappy love.

Model

Haha, I know I have lots of dreams and the dream I've been thinking of today was modelling. I really want to be one, because people always says to me that I remind them of a model and that I should be one because I'm beautiful and skinny.

I haven't always loved my body, because I've always thought I was too skinny. Now I realise it was just bullshit and that I really am beautiful. I've accepted me as I am and I don't have a problem to walk around in bikini. I have actually practiced my runway walk since I was a little child.
It's funny because I broke my arm trying to put on my mum's high heels when I was 6 yrs old.

If I'm going to be a model instead of a singer or something else my goal is to be in the Victoria Secret fashion show.

So I'm going to be a surgeon and a model. Lovely!

Love?

I think love  is the most beautiful thing in the world that can happen to a person. Unfortunately I've never been in a relationship. I have all this knowledge about love. I give my friends advice all the time about love. It chocks me that they've never asked me how I know so much, without having any experience. I know that I'm young and there is lot to come for me, but all I've known in my life is that I'm the hot girl that everyone think is weird.

 As I fall in and out of love, I always come to the conclusion that I've only been in love for real once. It's been about 4-5 years and I still feel sick when I just see someone who looks like him. Terrible...I KNOW. I think I believe in true love, but all the love tests on internet and signs telling that the boy you love right now isn't good for you. I truly think that True Love is something only you by yourself can find, not the internet. Sometimes I wish that everything was like a movie, but who doesnt want that? ;)

Brother and Sister?

Right now as I'm writing this, the oldest of my two brothers is talking with our mum about me. He's in some way trying to find out how he can avoid me AND not live with our father. It's exhausting to everyday here that you are a terrible person that he don't want to be nice to. Everyday I hear from my brother how much he don't like me and that he don't want to live with me. He don't want to be friend with me and don't even wants to be nice to me. He literately wants me to move to dad, so he can live at mum's house.

Also he says that he don't want to live with our dad. He says that he hates to live with him and that he rather commit suicide than live with him. It breaks me to hear this, at least he says that he still loves dad. I really hope that he will grow up someday and that he will like me again.

I miss our childhood when we played every weekend after Pokémon has been on TV. I try to be nice to him. I always talk good about him and just a few hours before he started his long talk with mum about me I gave him a shelf that I bought last year. Hate when people tell me that it will come better times...okay but that don't help me right now.  I want to be a great sister. I'm so sorry that he can't forgive me for my teasing and laughing at him as kids. I forgave him for all the times he hit me, so why can't he forgive me?

We both work differently. I love to talk and he was always been the one who bottle up his feelings. 

<3

School

I'm just going to write down boring stuff that's running through my head. The first boring thing I could think of was of course school. ;)

I'm pretty smart and if I would try I know I will finish high school with really high grades. But unfortunately I'm really lazy, so I never do my homework. I'm kind of impressed how the teachers still gives me high grades without me putting in any effort into my work.

Three days ago I finally got my grades for the 8th grade) which means its only one year left in high school here I Sweden) I got so disappointed. My grades dropped in my best subjects. At least I have one year left to really make it work. I really want to get good grades and I want to be ambitious.

 Today I got an answer on my email to my teacher. He told me that I'm really smart and that we're going to fight together to have me smiling next year with a very good result in my hand. I love that my teachers are so engage in the students.

So to get my grades higher:

I'm for once going to study

Focus on the science subjects

Start working out in the summer so I can manage the P.E

Also I've borrowed home a math book over the summer so I can do all the hard exercises.

Remember you can both be incredibly beautiful and also be a real nerd. Nerds are so hot here I Sweden ;) haha

My ''Friends''

So 2012 started kind of bad. Just a few days into the new year my girl friends dumped me. They said they didn't like who I was and that I wasn't an independent person in school. I needed someone to lean on all the time and that was very frustrating for them. Also they said I never had an opinion of my own.

Today I'm just glad they dumped me, because as happy as I am now is just unbelievable. I'm now independent and I'm strong and I'm not a pushover. I have other friends and also my girl friends came back. We are now friends again, but we will never be "that" close. Also I'm much happier without them and also they made me feel bad.

So advice to you is to never give up hope, because it's not always just the other persons fault it can be yours too.

In my case it was both persons fault, but unfortunately today I was the only one to deal with my problems because they still believe that they didn't do anything wrong.

Who I am

So here I am again! I've deleted all my old posts, because my English were just horrible. I'm not saying that it's perfect now. I'm still learning and that's why I'm continuing to blog in English. Please read and excuse me if my English is bad. If it's really bad I would like if you could correct me. :)

So some information for you to understand everything I will write:
I'm a girl
I'm 15 years old
I'm from Europe
My parents are divorced
I have one brother that's 14 yrs
I have one brother that's 4 yrs (we don't have the same mother)
I only meet my youngest brother 3 days every 2nd week
I live outside the city